I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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