words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
