I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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