Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Randomize
