I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
