y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the condom got lost in my hair
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
