im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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