I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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