She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
