Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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