You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
