I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
