I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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