What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This baby is an asshole
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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