God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
