You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
