Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
