i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Randomize
