It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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