My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
