im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
