Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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