Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
