Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Is Oprah even human
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
