well I can't set my house on fire every night
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
