Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
