Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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