Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
