lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
