I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
