i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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