Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
