I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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