I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
