The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
