you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
