I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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