idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
