we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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