If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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