What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
