R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
