I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
