tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
