I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
