I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
