Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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