headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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