she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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