she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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