the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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