I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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