i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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